Today has been a really reflective day, a day harder than most by all accounts. I had a lovely weekend with friends and let my hair down. That’s the thing, the distraction of company is exactly that, a distraction. When I’m alone with my thoughts that’s when you really start to feel it. The mind wanders into the most ridiculous of places. Thankfully It wondered into the bizarre and funny.
Growing up I always felt more comfortable in female company, I had a natural affinity with female companions, it was felt so much easier. Later I would go onto have more and more male friends to the point where now I am surrounded by a group of fabulous make divas that only Maria Carey could top. First we had ‘Billy’, this story is about the second main man to enter my life ‘Dazzles’.
At 17 years of age I was busy discovering who I was an navigating the awkwardness of teenage adolescent coupled with the discovery of what it meant to be a gay man in 21st century Britain. Alas this tale does not entail the hardships of those pioneers that came before, no back ally exchanges, no coded handkerchiefs, no ‘special cinemas’. For all those heterosexuals reading this you may need to Google the last three points as this is not an essay on queer culture thought it may allude to certain elements throughout, I am not a queer theory scholar just a typical Irish boy who happened to fancy his own gender. Anyway back to Dazzles.
At the age of 17 I was still defining my personality and discovering who I was. Yes it does sound very coming of age, almost ‘Huck and Finn’. One day Billy was telling me he had met a guy on some social media dating site. These were long before the days of Tindr and Facebook. Meeting a young gay guy in Ballymena could prove difficult at times. Needless to say Billy was all over it, he had a prematurely developed into this confident gay diva over night while I was still growing my ‘wings’ (which of course were a fabulous shade or bright pink). The date was with a young gentleman called Dazzles.
I have always been incredibly competitive and to my detriment sometimes this is my downfall. Upon Billy informing of this upcoming tryst I was seething with red mist, I felt really uncomfortable, Why was I this uncomfortable.
I was Jealous.
The little green monster had developed and I was feeding him deep in the dark pit of my own Super Ego. For anyone who has experienced this rush of jealously will attest that it is an ugly emotion, one of the worst in fact, however knowing this rational thought process as a 17 year old is not always possible. Billy asked me if I wanted to meet them ‘uptown’. This was Ballymena slang for lingering about town not actually doing anything practical rather just loitering around the place. We were too young for pubs so this was possibly the next best thing. I think it was a Saturday afternoon, pretty sunny as I remember wearing sunglasses. I think I wanted to appear a lot more cosmopolitan than I ever did, also the shades would disguises to some extent the resting bitch face that resided underneath my fake Gucci glasses.
I met the boys and we had a very short exchange, I cannot recall the precise conversation however it to an outset perspective probably would resemble something between Alexis Carrington and Crystal Carrington. I of course was Joan Collins in this scenario. I had said something to Dazzles that Billy of course did not care for and gave a proper good telling off. I turned with my fake Gucci’s in tow and stormed off. The funny things we do as kids would always make me laugh. My behaviour did not. I knew I was in the wrong however telling that to a 17 year old was no easy feet. My mother being the rational person tried to explain this to me, I (leaving out the jealous part as my mother still had no inkling of my own secret).
A few years came and went, Dazzles attended university in Scotland, Billy in Coventry and myself in Ireland. I would love to say this was a great love story of two of my best friends however I think after the first couple of dates things fizzled out pretty quickly. At the ripe old age of 21 myself and Dazzles would cross paths again, having both returned to the motherships in Ballymena fate would intertwine these two ‘enemies’ once more. We became aware of each other and usually if anyone brought up the others name the resounding answer would be ‘I hate him’, and we did.
We bumped into each other In a nightclub once and had many mutual friends, I had a few too many cocktails and thought, right lets end this Dynasty Feud. I walked over to him, a little stumble here and there and said, “Hi Darren, I work with you mum, she got hired me”. He looked at me pursed his lips and said, “and?”.
I deserved that response. After our last meeting I’m surprised he didn’t spit on me. Well maybe not spit as that is gross. A stern telling off might of been appropriate.
I had started going to Belfast for nights out more and more. Ballymena had no gay clubs, granted Belfast at the time had 2 but that was 200% more than Ballymena so it was the only viable option at the time. One evening Lady Constance (remember him) and myself were due to head to Belfast on the train. Lady Constance had been chatting to Darren and recently struck up a friendship, why was fate propelling this person at me? Seriously!?!
Lady Constance for whatever reason was not feeling her usual regal self and wasn’t well enough to attend the evenings festivities. That meant myself and Dazzle would end up going alone? That sounded like a nightmare. What would we talk about, would we just glare at each other? I thought to myself well its either I go with Dazzles to Belfast on a Saturday night or I sit at home.
“Mummy will you give me a lift to the train station?”,
“Of course son”.
It first ten minutes of that train journey were probably the most uncomfortable either of us have ever felt in our short lives. It was excruciatingly dry. We had a saviour in the form of a beautiful Russian Hero.
Smirnoff.
After the initial 10 minutes my self and Dazzles started to relax as the inebriating effects of Comrade Smirnoff kicked in. We started to talk a bit more casually and less formal. Hello became Hiya after the third glass. This was odd, he’s actually good craic?? Gone was my mortal enemy and replaced was this person who I felt I’d known all of my life. The night is a complete blur really as me and Dazzles made short work of comrade Smirnoff. Knowing him as I do now I’m sure we danced the night away until we were about to drop.
I got home from a night out as always and as quiet as a heard of elephants I would creep up the stairs to my room.
“Michael are you home?”
This was a familiar greeting. She would always waken when I arrived. The ritual would always go the same, I would knock on her door walk in and sit on the bed. I would start to talk about the night I just had. She would put on the lamp in her bedroom, put on her glasses that would sit on the beside cabinet and sit up. Sit up and listen to the silliness of her little drunken son. She was always great like that. She loved to hear all my stories, even if it was 3 o’clock in the morning. That was the night she first head about Dazzles.
It wouldn’t be the last.
Tomorrow will continue this little tale. Until then hope you all enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing. XX
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 