Myself and Dazzles have found ourselves into some predicaments over the years. I guess it would be expected after 15+ years of friendship. Apart from the story about how we were enemies first their is another story we share with everyone. It was a defining moment and ultimately could have turned out a little dark, however as luck would have it we have found the funniest and campest way of telling it. It still makes me giggle to this day. Mummy often recalled how she found us that evening, shaking, a little frightened and laughing hysterically.
Myself, Dazzles and Lady Constance had decided to take a break from the usual trip to the big city of Belfast (no doubt due to the fact none of us had two beans to rub together). Dazzles had moved into a house a short 15 minute walk from mine so we decided to have drinks in his house that evening. We no doubt arrives at Dazzles with an array of alcohol that would make a sailor blush. We were having our usual chats in the kitchen (I actually never recall being in that living room???) and Darren was away somewhere most likely doing his hair. We were chatting about how Lady Constance had absconded one of our mutual friends a few weeks previous. I was having drinks with Notorious IJE (It’s just expected….that name will explain itself in future blogs) and Lady Constance had decided to join us. Now myself and Notorious IJE had briefly dated when we were teenagers. We were catching up years later as people tend to do however their was no romantic intentions on either part, just two old friends meeting for a civilised drink, or so we thought. The conversation went from friendly to confrontational on Lady Constance’s part very quickly which ultimately led to him pushing Notorious IJE over his chair. Nothing had really led this point to its natural conclusion. Perhaps I was missing something?
While Dazzles was sprucing up his air I chose this moment to question Lady C on what exactly her thought process was in leading to this really bizarre turn of events. I wanted to know what happened to go from 0 to 60 in the space of a few minutes of perfectly civil conversation. Sure he was being slightly barbed in his comments (Lady C) however I took it as light banter. Lady C obviously had enough of an vodka buzz at this stage to open up about that night, “well you see Michael what you don’t realise is that I have always loved you”.
Queue Bodyguard Soundtrack! ANNNDDDDDD IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII……….ok maybe not.
At this moment I seen Dazzles appear with his freshly hair sprayed quiff and turn on his heel. If I could caption that moment I’m sure it would read like this:
“Nope, aint getting into this”.
Immediately I thought cheers Dazzles for leaving me in this rather awkward situation. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. It kind of came from nowhere. In later conversations with mummy she would always quiz me as to why I never noticed. In her words he “always had a candle for you”. I’m not exactly sure what she meant. Was it a Yankee candle and if so…. what scent? Hopefully something with coconut as it always reminds me of going on holiday.
I tried to gracefully brush this scenario under the carpet as I could and continue our evening. I wanted to be sensitive to his feelings however I really didn’t have a response. The feelings were not mutual which is never nice I suppose. The poor lad had laid his feelings on the table and all I could really muster to say was, “O right…. I never noticed”. I suppose that was the half truth. He always treated me differently. He used to announce my arrival into nightclubs embarrassingly all the time or would text me 100 times a day. I guess yeah….. the signs were definitely there. So as we carried on as casually as we could with our evening I decided we needed some music. What could we listen to? At this stage in our lives myself and Dazzles were going through our ‘Wicked the musical’ phase. Nothing like a bit of Defying Gravity to get the party started. So much so we would re-enact that entire song. Michael was dramatically lifted to the ceiling by the two boys and flung across the place. The gays do contact sports in a completely different way.
Disclaimer: To all the heterosexual males out there that have never sang a show tune while half cut…. I call bullshit. We know you live for Streisand at the weekend! That private spotify account is a dead good giveaway!
As the night was coming to a close Lady C was heading either home or to her current boyfriends house, I can’t actually remember, I think the latter. He liked to keep his options open miss Lady C did. Myself and Dazzles decided we would venture the 15 minute walk to mine and watch some Hairspray most likely. Armed with Cider and sharing and ear pod we were on our way. Sill in our Wicked phase we decided to listen again to Defying Gravity, I don’t think you totally appreciate it until the 100th time. So many subtle nuances to appreciate.
As we walked down the long road towards home we heard a car pull up in front of us in the nearest layby. I think we both looked at each with sheer confusion and a little apprehension. Our thoughts went to thinking they seen us prancing up the road like we were extras from fame. As we further approached one lad turned round to Dazzles and Said, ” Are you Dazzles who knows Christopher McGenericName?”. We ignored the comment and rushed past. Then it happened.
Our of nowhere someone hit both of us in the back. Panic took over. We both started to sprint as fast as we could to get away. The boys did not chase us, why would they?
THEY HAD A BASTARDING CAR!
I could hear the rev in the engine so I said to Darren we could crawl beneath the hedges in the road and escape through someone’s garden. The best thing about my childhood was I knew where every back garden connected to and how best to get home (much to the chagrin of my neighbours and my poor mummy). I dove through first, the adrenaline taking over my whole body. I slipped though got to my feet and looked for Dazzles. Where the bloody hell was he?
He was stuck! FFS I thought to myself.
I dived back through the hedge and literally booted his ass through the hedge. The time for niceties had passed. I dived back through that bloody hedge and we both ran for home. We could hear the car driving past but fortunately for us it was too late. It was then I noticed Darren had a cut on his face. One of the thugs had caught him. This was not good. As we arrived home exhausted, sober (its amazing what a little gay bashing can do) and emotionally drained. Mummy sat with us in the kitchen as we called the police and reported the incident. I could tell she was unsettled. Ever since I came out to her this was her worst fear, and probably the worst fear of all mothers and fathers of a gay child. Behind all the glitter and rainbow flags was something darker, nastier, more real.
One thing I pride myself upon is that I have never let things like this effect my life. I have and never will be a victim. People like that have no impact on who I am as a person. I never let that incident dim my light, and thankfully neither did Dazzles. Our light still shines very brightly (a little too bright for some tastes), as we will never concede on who we are as people. I learned that lesson from mummy. She was always the voice saying that we cannot let the bad define who we become. Let it teach us certainly, let us learn from it but never dwell and never let it define. Even through her worry she would be able to comfort myself and my friend. Lioness mode kicks in and she looks after all her cubs, even the little adopted ones.
I also believe it is important to find the funny side in most things. Everything can have an element of humour (sometimes inappropriate which is my favourite kind). So if you ever feel down or are having a bad day. If you ever need a giggle,
Just think of Michael kicking Dazzles arse through a hedge while listening to defying gravity!
Until tomorrow, A bientot xx
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 