Coming out is a rather funny thing isn’t it? Unless you are a debutante making a debut to society then it is something completely foreign to a heterosexual. It is something they will never experience as by nature, why would they? It is something every gay person be it male or female has to do at least once, sometimes multiple times. It is of course the revealing of your true self to the world. It is a right of passage of sorts like many things which we experience in our lives. The first kiss, the first time we drive a car, the first time we expose our sexual preferences… ok so that last one seems a bit odd. If you really think about it, It is! Imagine coming home to your parents as a teenage male and screaming…. I’m attracted to women. Very good jimmy now get on with your homework. For the select 10% or so of us, its something we dread. Some make a momentous occasion of the whole thing while others struggle for years to finally come to terms, even to themselves. My story is about the first time I came out to my friends.
At the ripe age of 17 I had long discovered my sexual preferences. I wasn’t one of those kids who said, “I knew when I was 5 years old”. Good luck to those kids but I barely remember what toys I was playing with besides having a profound sexual awakening. Many describe feeling different from all the other kids. I had no such experience. I felt relatively typical of what a kid should feel like. I also luckily never struggled with the experience. I sort of said to myself in my teenage years, “I’m definitely gay”, and that was that. No agonising soul searching, so sleepless nights worrying about the future my life would take. Just a simple realisation and then the pragmatist in me moved on. This account is not to shame or belittle other such experiences. I have plenty of empathy for everyone’s experiences. Mine was just this way. Like all experiences. Unique to ourselves.
We decided to have a night out for Billy in Belfast. We had been on nights out in straight clubs many a time (well not me as I got asked for proof of age everywhere so I was usually first one removed). We decided tonight was Billy’s night to be supported. Secretly I was rather excited as I had never set foot in a gay club. My only frame of reference was watching Queer as folk late at night with the volume turned down extremely low to avoid detection. It seemed like a glittery candy land against a soundtrack of Gloria Gaynor. The plan was all set. We had a couple of designated drivers and everyone would wear their most adult looking outfits for the Saturday trip to Belfast’s premier gay club, the Kremlin. The apprehension sunk in for myself, not due to the location, due to the fact that my batting average in getting into clubs was a cold hard zero. Imagine I was left out in the cold while everyone was inside the candy land dancing the night away to Kylie and Whitney. We decided I would form part of a larger entourage of the older teens to avoid detection. I avoided eye contact like my life depended on it, it kind of did, my social life.
The 6ft giant lesbian bouncer scanned our crowd with intense scrutiny, thankfully I was 5’8 and avoided her gargantuan gaze. Lady luck was smiling down on me as I somehow avoided customs and was declared entry. We proceeded into this darkly lit corridor with coat check. The guy on the coats had more eye liner than some of my female compatriots however I just tried to act so seasoned and not pay any attention. Little did I know that the boy from Ballymena was about to see a lot more than a guy in eyeliner. We walked through the fog and glitter into a long bar (appropriately dubbed the long bar). This was the pre drink bar where you would then be ushered into the club of house music and smoke machines in due course. Time for some refreshments first. I don’t know if I was giddy or just excited at my first experience in a gay bar but the alcohol started to have a rather quick effect, more so than my 5’8 frame would normally succumb too (which wasn’t a lot to be fair).
I looked across the bar to see two gents having a kiss. I say a kiss but it was more like tongue wrestling on late night television. Billy scowled at me and asked me to stop staring. I couldn’t help it. I hadn’t seen two men hold hands let alone swap saliva. The most I had come close was two guys tackling each other on the rugby pitch. It was rather a strange sight and if I was to be honest I felt a little uncomfortable at first. My brain was programmed by society to know this wasn’t ‘normal’.
After about 4 kylie songs, 3 pink songs and a good helping of Gloria we then were ushered into the ‘club’ part of the Kremlin. This was a large square dance space with a stage. Their was also an upper deck which contained another bar were patrons could look down on us mere mortals attempting to know exactly how to dance to house music the 8ft drag queen was mixing for us. The group formed little splinter cells and started to do their own thing. I excused myself to the toilet, though my ulterior motive was hardly to void my bladder. I decided this was the time to go exploring. Like hansel and Gretel I wanted to explore this gingerbread house and see what wonders it had in store.
The thing to know about gay clubs, I swear they can smell fresh meat. We must give off an aroma that alerts the predators that a fresh gazelle has entered the space. As I wandered the club I was descended by one such hyena. He asked my name, I smiled and complied asking his. My palms were sweating and my brow was shiny from the hear and nerves. He grabbed my arm and asked to go for a walk. I was unsure what this would entail however I was too nervous to protest. Also part of me didn’t want to. By this point the alcohol had replaced any sense of rational thought and I was more than willing to comply. We ended up on the stage, dancing away. Suddenly I felt him grab the arch of my back and lean in for a kiss. Instead of struggling with this predator, I became easy prey and complied with his kiss. I kissed him back. My head was spinning from a combination of the kiss and the vodka in my bloodstream. Then I realised, all my friends were watching…….
Now what I didn’t allude to earlier was that it wasn’t the ladies who were on this night out. It was a different group of girls which included Jasmine (remember her from Magaluf). At the time I didn’t acknowledge the consequences of my bold actions I was too consumed with exhilaration to care. I felt bold and I felt free. Billy grinned at me as we eventually went to leave the club. “We have a lot to talk about”, he said….
To be continued……….
night night xx
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 