Having left the club with my dignity in the toilet I felt a flourish of red faced embarrassment that even the vodka couldn’t absorb. The thoughts swirling round my head were panic and fear. The thing about ‘coming out’ is essentially rather unfair however mandatory for every gay kid. As I stated previously, this is a ritual that no straight person really has to experience. I have always experienced it like going up to your parents and declaring, “I enjoy sex”. That is essentially what you are saying, You have provocative thoughts about the same sex which need to be facilitated by the mandatory coming out. Coming out is a deeply personal journey that is unique to every person. It should be decided by you on who, when and how. This doesn’t always happen and sometimes these moments are stolen from us. As I left the club the girls who I had taken my little first steps with promised to keep quiet about Michaels new identity. I was unsure however thought I didn’t really have much of a choice and thought perhaps it could still be contained somehow.
Billy had a look of glee and looking back I understand now what he was happy about, he wasn’t alone in this. He had an ally. We had always danced around the issue of my sexuality however never spoken out loud. Unlike Billy I had girlfriends in school. For some reason I could be quite the charmer with the ladies. I do believe it was my Bieber stilte curtains and big cheeks that sealed the deal. It had only ever been PG 13 with any of my girlfriends. One girl got close, a little too close for my liking. One time we were in her car and her wandering hands were getting a little bit to close to my gay chastity belt for my liking. I brusher her off with the line every gay guy uses when with his ‘beard’, “I’m just not ready yet”. Generally this is a good indication of male sexual identity as most teen guys were born ready. It kind of turns the whole pressuring for sex deal on its head. I shouldn’t of worried though, that particular grew up to be a lesbian, so maybe I was the beard. I did contemplate doing the deed once with her but really couldn’t get past the whole female parts section of it all, and that is a big section to overcome. Kind of comes with the package. I guess every gay teen at some point contemplates how much easier their life would be if they were straight, especially from a small town in Ireland.
The next upcoming event in school was the Formal (or prom if you prefer, though I don’t and its my blog so you can piss off). That night was rather eventful in itself and the awkwardness couldn’t escape the air, something was a miss however I was too busy enjoying it too care too much. Myself and Lexus had decided to go as friends as I was single and she was dating a guy from another school, he was called ‘Buggy’. I will further elaborate on that night soon however this story isn’t really about that night, it is about the subsequent days, and the aftermath of my tryst.
We all had our little meeting place in school, we had our little blue corner of chairs lined up like a sofa and that was our turf where we met before first period. That was always a magical time and we relished every moment before we got split up and had to resume our education. The morning and lunch was the only times we were all together. Our group was about 10 strong at this point and we loved our routine. Everyday felt the same, apart from this one. This day had a weird atmosphere in the air. It felt almost tangible, I couldn’t really describe it. Something was off. I looked at Billy and asked why everyone was acting weird? The hangover from the formal had surely wore off and I don’t remember offending anyone in the slightest. “They know”, he whispered.
SHITBALLS
What the hell did they know? I knew exactly and in some ways I sort of expected it. I was never going to survive my one moment of alcohol driven bravery and live to tell the tale. To this point I was out to no one. I think the one thing you fear most is change. People treating you differently. I think we keep up the pretence of heterosexuality so we don’t have to go through =change, we like everything to stay the same, for a teenager… change is bad! I later found out that one of the girls I was with had told Buggy who was dating Lexus. Bloody Buggy I thought! It circulated our group like wildfire. I sat in our safe place where we always sat and for the first time felt very venerable. I’m usually rather outspoken and confident in my statements. This day it was different. My palms were clammy, I was distant. I was interpreting every coded sentence from my friend. Lexus at one point declared in a matter of fact kind of way, “A lot of change is happening”. Ok so I couldn’t swear that was the exact phrase as I was too busy fumbling around pretending to look for a book or some other social distraction however I remember the sentiment. She was letting me know gently that she knew, and that it was ok. I think.
The bell couldn’t ring quick enough that day and I rushed out of their like a bat out of hell. I had arranged to take big girl home and to be honest wasn’t really in the mood, I just wanted to go straight home and wallow however I manned up and directed her to my car. It was quiet. Normally myself and big girl can fill every silence going, not cause we have to, but because we enjoy each others company and we are pretty damn funny together. We can satirise the mundane and turn it into a bit in seconds. That was our thing. Today though was different. The awkward feeling in the air was very much tangible, to the point it could have been cut with a feather. I drove that familiar route on auto pilot. I had drove to her house a million times and this time I did it without really focusing on the journey. I was thinking of the whole days events. I was thinking how scared I was that my life was about to change. As we pulled up to big girls house she turned round and looked at me and said, “today has been a big day for revelations, hasn’t it?”. I vaguely agreed, slammed the door and sped off. I know what she was trying to suggest however my brain had went into overload with panic and just wanted to get home and not deal with this emotional rollercoaster just yet.
We all have had moments in our lives where we either wish we could rewind or pause. I was in the middle somewhere. I knew it was finally out but I wanted to pause. It had to come out sometime and part of me was relived. I just wasn’t ready to process it all in that instant. Could I pause my life for say maybe 6 months until I was emotionally mature enough to deal with this situation. I lay on my bed that afternoon looking out my skylight. As a teenager I would often go straight to my room and often sleep before mummy called me ready for tea (don’t judge me I was growing and teenagers sleep more than dogs!). That afternoon I couldn’t of slept with a healthy dose of Rohypnol. My phone then buzzed….. it was big girl
Dear Michael, I know about what happened in the Kremlin. I tried to talk to you in the car but could tell you were uncomfortable. I just want you to know that we all love you gay or straight and just want you to be happy, Love Big Girl.
My heart sank. Though I must admit it was light relief as well. It was out and open. Things escalated pretty quickly over the next few days and I was invited to some drop In sessions with my ladies. What I mean by that was group therapy for recently outed teenagers wasn’t a thing in Ballymena so my best friends decided to step in and discuss my recent outing, and my gayness. We went round to one of their houses after school one day. I knew why I was there. I had to talk about the one thing my brain had trained itself never to talk about in public. As we sat their awkwardly everyone was on the edge of their seat. I thought Lexus was going to have a panic attack from the anxiety of it all, she looked more terrified than me. Then after enough trivial small talk big girl turned to the group and said,
“So, Our Friend Michael is gay…. lets talk about that”. and we did.
That was it. We all chatted, laughed, discussed who was fit in our school and generally bonded. I think even though I knew my best friends I really started to love them from that day. They could also start to love me, the real me.
Big girl stepped up and really took the reins. Everyone needs a big girl who can be brave enough to say what everyone is scared of saying. I’m not sure how I would of coped without her. It truly was a scary experience. Though because of her and the ladies it is not an enjoyable memory. A cherished memory.
And it all started with a kiss.
xx
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 