Ok so as many of you know my disjointed story telling can take many turns and reverses. That is probably how my brain works, or at least a good indication into the chaotic nature of my thought process. This is almost a pre story.
The one thing I admire about out American cousins is they really know how to make an occasion festive. Halloween for example. I used to watch movies like Hocus Pocus and see Americans flock the streets to trick or treat. Meanwhile in Sunny Ireland I was carving my turnip (pumpkins were not readily available) in my black bin liner wrapped round me pretending I was Dracula. Lets face it. In the USA they really know how to put on a spectacle, and that of course was everything I love. The other occasion Americans really know how to do justice is the right of passage known as ‘Prom’. Nearly every teen movie I can think of reached its crescendo at the high school prom, though hopefully more high school musical than Carrie. The ritual of prom was always something alien to the Irish. We had a leavers formal that was always rather …. pedestrian at best. That was until my year…..
So as the deputy head boy (more on that ironic twist soon) I was immediately head of the formal committee. The head boy would best be described as Toad from The Wind in the Willows. He had a portly belly and a rather pompous demeanour. Our paths had crossed at various points in my scholastic career but nothing of particular merit. The head girl was an Oxford wannabe with straight A’s and zero aspirations of being a social butterfly, which is perfectly acceptable, I mean they never get up to mischief whilst reading at Oxford! Ok so I sound a bit mean in my description, particularly of the head boy here however my intention is not to be mean but rather present a realistic portrayal. At least my realistic portrayal. He genuinely reminded me of MR Toad, all he needed was a little red sports car. So to say the two heads had zero interest in an event that openly encourage teenage alcohol consumption would be a little bit of an understatement. The burden fell to the schools rebellious deputy head boy. A burden I was more than happy to comply with.
So the next task was to form the committee. The night I had envisaged in my head could not take place without my favourite gal pals now could it? So the formal committee was due to be selected by popular vote. Unlike the USA we preferred the democratic popular vote as opposed to the collegiate vote (imagine segregating the clichés, nightmare). I can see it now… we only have the Goths and the skater boys to win the vote!!!! Everyone voted and of course I was counting. So yeah the vote was a bit of a landslide for most of my friends however some of them needed an additional bit of support from myself (think Florida Bush Election 2000). Ok so maybe some dead people secured a vote that year, I wasn’t taking any chances with my Prom…. I mean formal. So in the end it was myself, Big Girl (landslide), Lady Jayne, Lexus and Elsa. Unfortunately our beloved ringer had left school that year to go to technical college, though she would not be missed out on the big night.
This was the time when MSN messenger was all the rage. It seems like a quaint time when dial up modems where a thing and your mum would tell you off for hogging the phone line. Lots of people in school all communicated through MSN messenger. It was before Facebook and Snap chat and actually rather fun. Everyone would log on from school and interact on the days events. Seems silly now, especially as we had mobile phones but It was kind of a thing. Updating your profile pic depending on your mood. Using abbreviations like AFK (away from Keyboard) and BRB (be right back). It was using this forum that I got talking to the most unexpected person from school, I have no idea how it even initiated. The boy would not really speak to me in school but it soon became a bit of a pen pal relationship. Asking how my day had went and what I wanted to do after school. It all started really mundane and ordinary. Then came the day the bombshell had dropped. Those three little words with so much power to change things…..
I Am Gay.
I read the words from my side of my computer in my dining room (no laptops kids…. too expensive). I read them over and over. I just thought to myself, has this kid just came out to me? Was I shocked? To tell you the truth I was neither surprised nor shocked. This boy was the kind of fella who no one could picture with a wife. I mean he was overtly effeminate, kind short and a little bit odd. The boy I was talking to on Messenger was not the boy I knew from school however. This boy had genuine feelings and actually was quite witty and sweet. The next six words then really flummoxed me. They were unexpected and blunt.
I have a crush on you.
I was kind of left wondering what to say. I left it a good five minutes before another message was sent,
You don’t feel the same do you?
The truth was I didn’t. I enjoyed our chats and was getting to know him as a person but I equally was not attracted to him, especially due to the fact he barely acknowledged my existence in school. I replied with what I thought would let him down gently and was rather non-committal for a 17 year old, I said,
Thank you I am really flattered but I am not looking for a serious relationship right now.
It was kind of the truth to be honest however even if I wasn’t I am pretty sure the response would of been the same. Its not nice to be rejected and this boy and I had an internet friendship and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Its never nice to be the one who gets rejected so I tried to be as kind, yet transparent as I could. It is a lot worse to lead someone on than reject them. My head was still spinning from the nights revelations and I was wondering what the hell was happening. Was this why he started chatting to me in the first place? My adult self knows the answer very well however at 17 I was rather green round the gills and to be honest never seen motive in anyone’s actions. Very much face value in my interactions. Then he went offline, deleted my contact on Messenger and that was that. I felt bad but I tried to be as gentle as I could, I just did not reciprocate the boys feelings.
Mr Toad had deleted me off Messenger……..
To be continued…………………………….
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 