Sometimes a rest is needed in the most unexpected ways. Before I had my little trip to the sunny shores of Spain I was starting to feel very run down. I was irritable, quick to temper and also rather emotional most of the time. Things that would normally have little impact on me were becoming rather unmanageable. Dealing with grief has all the expected side effects like sorrow and sadness. It also has many not so typical like fatigue and stress. I have always been someone who likes to control everything around me. Think Monica from friends. I am very much a Type A personality most of the time. I like to plan, manage and organise my entire life to fit into a nice little neat package that is perfect In every way. The unexpected loss of mummy had a rather unique effect of my world. Aside from the obvious all the control was taken out of my world. When I knew her diagnosis I went into crisis mode and started to plan treatments/ alternative treatments and was really spiralling out of control, something I found very difficult to cope with. The thing about an unexpected loss is that I felt completely helpless. I couldn’t control or manage this situation. To call it a situation is probably inappropriate however that is how I was trying to compartmentalise it within my brain. I am used to putting everything in a little box that has labels and subheadings. Death does not fall so easily into these little boxes.
As I excited the plane in Alicante airport I was feeling stressed. I am not the best flyer in the world by any means and having the worlds worst stag party on board did not aid my agitation. Someone yelling, “lets do coke in the toilets lads when the captain turns the seatbelt sign off”, was not my idea of the ideal flight. As I queued for the bus to Benidorm I could feel my frustration levels building. I am not the best traveller. I like to get to my apartment., unpack, then I know the holiday can begin. As we arrived in Benidorm bus station we had arranged to meet Billy who had arrived two days prior. Myself and Dazzles were keen to get to the apartment and drop off our luggage. I briefly greeted Billy who I am sure could sense my stress levels as I was never one to be able to disguise my emotions. We had a beer while waiting for the keys however I couldn’t concentrate on the conversation. Billy was telling us about his first two days and to be honest I was thinking more about getting to the apartment which at this point I still wasn’t precisely sure where it was located. With keys in hand and Google maps on we marched down to the beachfront with our little cases in tow.
As we worked out the 12 keys we had been given and navigated the multiple entrances, our eyes lit up as we stepped into the spacious palace that we would call home for the next three days. I quickly showered, sent Billy for some beers and started to unwind. The stress that had built up over the journey… and everything up to that point really from my mummy’s death was beginning to wash away. As I stared at the beautiful blue ocean I felt a sudden wave of calm flow over me. I could relax and let the trip take me over. I spent the next 7 days going with the flow of our trip. It was fantastic. I could just relax and feel no pressure of having to make decisions or be a responsible adult. I could have fun and let the sunny weather take care of the rest.
Their are many amazing stories from this trip that will be covered in due course however this blog is more about my state of mind from that trip. I cant explain it but something just clicked within me from being away. Gone is the worry and anxiety. The pressure of having to be ‘ok’. I know now that I don’t always have to be ‘ok’, I don’t have to keep up appearances. The irony here is I feel more ‘ok’ than I have felt in a long time. I actually feel excited about the future. I know I still have a long road to go and that their will be moments that will be incredibly tough (Christmas will be one such), however I feel stronger than I have done. I feel a new lease of life and I hope that it is not a temporary euphoria of holiday joy. Anyone reading this who is experiencing grief I would urge you to book yourself a trip. Preferably with people you trust. I went away with 4 of the best people in my life. They asked nothing from me and to put it simply, let me be me! I felt no pressure around them and could just feel how I wanted to feel.
One day myself and Dazzles ventured to the beach to ‘bake’ as we put it. The sea was gorgeous and the weather was beautiful. As we sat on our towels with one Bacardi breezer each (retro), I started to talk about how this felt really strange as I normally on holiday would be ringing mummy everyday. I sat their and the tears began to trickle down my cheeks. I felt very foolish as I didn’t want this trip to be about my stuff at all. Dazzles gave me a little hug and comforted me. That was the last and only time that I cried or felt like crying on that trip. It was something I was feeling worried about as I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. Once I did it I felt immensely better for it. A weight had been lifted. That is when I really properly started to enjoy my time away. It was like a right of passage I had to do to continue on. It sounds strange but I felt her in that moment. I could feel her there, with us. Smiling.
Unfortunately the summer has officially ended now and the autumn season is with us. The leaves are falling and turning brown. I feel I have entered a new season now and am rather excited to see what it will bring.
Night night xx
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 