One of my darling friends Fagbutt is celebrating her darling sons second birthday this week. I still cannot believe it when I think about it. When did those two kids at University grow up? I have been to her hen party, her wedding and met her beautiful son however somehow it still seems like we are the pair at university who always got ourselves into all sorts of shenanigans. Life can go by in a blink and it seems altogether strange we have managed to make it as fully functioning adults. How did this happen?
When myself and Fagbutt met we were both fresh 18 year olds trying to navigate our way through university. It was about a month in whenever we first became acquainted. I was drew to Tink first as she was flamboyantly fabulous. She was something from a Broadway musical brought to life. The three of us would always joke that Tink, if she were born a man, would have been an outrageously camp gay man. She drew me in with her sense of optimism, camp sensibility and love for all things theatrical (she introduced me to Chicago which I am eternally grateful). Fagbutt was slightly different. She was a little more reserved. She always had a ‘cool’ girl factor, a demeanour of not giving two shits most of the time. Never one to follow the crowd, she would always command what she intended to do. Not that she ordered us around, the option was always there not to do what she wanted to do, however she would of carried on regardless. She was a lot more savvy to the ways of the world and quite frankly that is exactly what myself and Tink needed.
We would all sit together in our Media Studies class from the first night we met. Of everyone we were friends with it was only the three of us in that particular class. The girls also did English as part of their degree and I decided to be random in my first year and take philosophy. Of the 3 classes a week we shared we would usually have the routine of waking up…. usually a little worse for ware. We would meet at the students union, have lunch and then start our class around 1pm. We had the luxury that most of our classes were in the afternoon except the one myself and Fagbutt had on a Friday morning which we never attended. We had part time jobs at home so we used our own priority schedule. The class involved statistics and research methods that we both felt would not aid our own education whatsoever. To be honest it really didn’t. It was to help with our dissertations however I did not do any sampling, data research and it turned out ok. So one class in particular we were all talking over the lecturer. They were usually far enough away that our voices were very faint. I was saying to the girls that I had never seen a vagina before and didn’t really understand them. Yes possibly the most random topic but sometimes these little thoughts pop into my head and my verbal vomit takes over. I do not know how the study of Walt Disney and Animation led me to this thought process. Perhaps I was wondering if the dwarves were taking a peak at Snow White while she was sleeping? Regardless of the source my two pals instead of showing judgement would comply to my unusual question. Fagbutt started to draw a very anatomically correct diagram of a ladies undercarriage. She then annotated it with all the different functions. They could instantly tell I looked more confused than when we started down this rabbit hole. “They’re so complicated”, I dimly muttered. We then closed the notebook with the lady drawing and proceeded to pay attention to our education.
Nights out at Uni were a ritual for our threesome. They did not simply involve turning up. The preparation for a night out was relentless. Firstly an appropriate outfit had to be purchased. The wardrobe full of clothes was never adequate. One could never been seen in the same outfit. Then the alcohol run would take place. Fagbutt would usually drive us to the local off licence where we would purchase one bottle of absinthe and one bottle of WKD to wash it down with. This was strategic on our part as it was cheap and we would feel the full affects of the alcohol on a budget. We would scrape together some basic food then the getting ready part would commence. This was nothing I had experienced in my life before. I would shower, shave and do my hair… I then had to wait the extra 1 hour and 45 minutes for the girls to finish their routine. I would generally walk between Tink and Fagbutt’s room checking on their progress. I would often walk into a topless Tink who would request, “would you tan my back?”. I had never seen as many boobs in my life until university. I became so desensitised to them that even now I look at them like they are elbows. I would then go to Fagbutt’s room and we would smoke 20 cigarettes gossiping about the days events and who was seeing who. Usually we would have some random TV show on in the background like the simple life or Dawson’s Creek. We used to watch Mean Girls religiously before we went out however we realised that we emulated the characters too much and even Tink became a wild Regina George type, we had to cut her off. This lovely girl next door type would become Rosemary’s Baby after watching Mean Girls and downing a bottle of Absinthe. They Green fairy turned her into the red fairy.
Although I was always first ready and hanging about for a few hours (I would learn to not rush getting ready), I would always enjoy this time with my two favourite gals. It was a chance for us to bond and solve all of life’s problems in an evening. Within those bedrooms we solved all problems. If a problem couldn’t be solved Fagbutt would usually declare, “I will sort it!”. Most times she was true to her word. None more so than the one evening we headed out. The evening in question started like any other normal night. Same routine, different outfits, same drunken laughter. I was at the time tentatively seeing this guy. When I say seeing I think we hooked up a couple of times but to me that meant we were in a relationship. I sometimes cringe looking back at how naïve I was. University made me grow up however it was a long journey to get there. It was a Monday night so we headed to the students union. We had established a big group however us three would always be together. The night in the union started like any other, we danced, ordered drinks and chatted to random. I then caught out of my eye the guy I had been ‘dating’. I went to say hi and be as flirtatious as I possibly could be at 18 from a small town. Without warning he looked at me laughed and threw a drink all over me. I was taken aback and in shock. What had just happened? Why had he done this?
Before another beat I caught Fagbutt taking off her shoe. Her face went dead poker straight. She marched over to the guy, raised her eyebrow and without hesitation smacked him square in the face with her stiletto heel.
“Not so funny now, is it?”, she shouted at him. Before we knew what was happening Fagbutt was escorted out of the building and barred for a few weeks. Myself and Tink followed her out.
The most amazing thing about Fagbutt is that she didn’t even know what was happening. For all she knew is that I had started a fight (apparently he threw the drink at me cause he was really drunk…….). She did not need a reason why, all she knew is that some dick had tried to humiliate her friend. That was the day I started to see her as a close friend, family. She was always like that and I have a few more tales about our misadventures (their were lots). I love this story. She didn’t need a reason to jump in to defend my honour, it was almost instinctual. That is the reason I hold her in such high regard in my life. I love sharing all her memories with her. Her Hen party (that one will be a great tale), he wedding and everything since. She came to visit me recently in Manchester and mummy had only passed a short while. It was great seeing that cheeky grin. We both had grown up a lot however when we both look at each other their is a devilish grin between us. We both know what we are capable of.
She will always be the friend I never knew I needed. I love her.
A Grievers Guide to the Galaxy 